Sentimental Journey
by SeGate
Summary: Who says you can never go home again?


**_Inspired by the Standards challenge on the Plus and at the Ranch. This standard is "Sentimental Journey."_**

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_Gonna take a sentimental journey_

She paced the floor of her small rented room. Was she really ready to give up the stability and security of her job and home? She shook her head at the direction her thoughts had taken. Looking around at the faded wallpaper and worn out rug, she was forced to admit that her home was an old rented room in a barely respectable part of town. And her job was one that had her scrubbing floors for snooty folks at a fancy hotel.

_Gonna set my heart at ease_

No. It was time to make a change, to really live again. And she simply couldn't do that in San Francisco. It was time to go home. And home to her would always be Sweetwater. That was where she had true happiness. Her family had moved on from there, and that's when everything started to fall apart. She needed to go back to the beginning. Back to _her_ beginning.

_Gonna make a sentimental journey_

She'd made her decision. Even though she had no family or friends left in Sweetwater, she felt an undeniable pull to return. Nervous energy swept through her as she gathered her few belongings together and packed them into her satchel. Her hands shook as she took the framed sketch off the wall. Her trembling fingers traced the outlines of the boys she'd shared her life with.

_To renew old memories_

There was a time when she never thought she'd even consider returning. When he decided they shouldn't get married until he returned from the war, if he survived, she knew it was time to go. She hated to call it running away, but she couldn't stay where memories of him would lurk around every corner. Their entire family seemed ready to move on and split up.

And move on they had. The magic that had bound them together was gone. She had been too stubborn to admit that she needed them desperately. She mistook her need for love and friendship for weakness. And in her foolish pride, she had fled in the night. She couldn't sit around and wait to be left behind, she would do the leaving. But now... She longed to be where she could easily conjure the images of her loved ones.

_Got my bag, I got my reservation_

She stood on the platform, eyeing the train with unrestrained joy. The ticket in her hand would get her on her way. Now that it was finally time to go, she had a moment of doubt. It had been ten years since she ran away. And she had only lived in Sweetwater one year before the move to Rock Creek. Would too many things have changed? Would she go back only to discover she was even more alone than she had been since she left?

_Spent each dime I could afford_

It felt extravagant buying that ticket for the train. She had spent her life on the back of a horse it seemed. But after Lightning died, she had never owned another. She had enough money. She could have bought a house and some land, maybe even a horse or two. But she could never bring herself to set down roots in California. None of the houses she looked at ever felt like a home. And she didn't want to waste money renting anything fancy. So she had worked merely to exist, to live day to day.

_Like a child in wild anticipation_

She tapped her foot impatiently. Now that she was here, ticket in hand, she couldn't wait to get on her way home. _Home._ Such a small word, but so deeply meaningful to an orphan like her. She'd dreamed many dreams in her life. She dreamed of wealth and fame when she was young, but settled for barely surviving. When she rode for the Pony Express she began to dream about love and marriage, family and babies of her own. But when he called off their wedding and everyone else talked of moving away, she started dreaming about finding a way to numb the pain in her heart. Now she longed feel something, anything. Even that ache.

_Long to hear that: "All aboard!"_

Sighing, she slumped into her seat near the window. She had been such a fool, wasting so many years. Maybe if she'd stayed back then... Maybe she could have changed their minds. What if she had been the glue that held her headstrong brothers together? But she'd been left behind all her life and was afraid to let it happen again. Such a fool! Even if she couldn't have kept any of them close, she could have at least kept in touch.

That was her biggest regret. No one would have faulted her for leaving, but to sneak away and not say a word... And then to never write. At first she convinced herself that no one would care. They all had plans to move on anyway, and she wouldn't know how to reach them. But eventually she realized that her stubborn pride and cowardice had cost her the very things she didn't want to lose. So her first step was this trip back to Sweetwater. Once she was settled, she would search out her family and beg them to forgive her.

_Seven, that's the time we leave, at seven_

Stifling a yawn, she stretched her neck from side to side. She hadn't slept a wink since she'd made her decision to head home. She'd quit her job, delighting in the dismayed shock she'd seen in her manager's eyes. In all the years she'd worked there, she'd never so much as taken a day off. Not that anyone had ever seemed to appreciate that fact. Until now.

_I'll be waiting up for heaven_

But that was all behind her now. And knowing that she would soon have at least a piece of her dream made it impossible to fall asleep. The train chugged steadily onward, toward her past and her future. She tried to scold herself for fantasizing what it would be like to get off the stage in Sweetwater. She'd look up the boardwalk and see one of her family. And then she would run to them, and it would be like she never left. Sighing deeply and leaning her flushed cheek against the glass, she looked at the passing landscape. Colors blurred and ran as her eyes filled with tears.

_Counting every mile of railroad track _

The distance she had to cover and each small town passed simply reinforced how big the world had become. She wasn't a kid anymore. _Kid._ Her heart squeezed painfully. Her world was so big that she had gone as far as she could from the war. Had he actually gone to Virginia? Had he fought? Had he lived? Had he married some genteel lady and had loads of children? She thought about him every day. Every single day.

_That takes me back_

She thought about all of them. Even Ike and Noah. Each day some memory would take her back to those days of dust and sweat and tears. Those days of adventure, friendship, and love. Jimmy drawing on Cody with a carrot. Buck alerting them to an approaching rider, well before anyone else could hear hoofbeats. Ike's gentle smile and wicked sense of humor. Noah standing tall with his whip at his side. Teaspoon offering words of advice, as Rachel listened with her eyes dancing. Jesse confessing his feelings for her. Sam and Emma sparkin' on the front porch swing. And the Kid.

Oh, she saw it all in her mind's eye. How he tried to protect her, how he drove her crazy, how he stole her heart. The sky could be a certain shade of blue and she'd be lost to the memory of his eyes. A young man might doff his hat, and she could see Kid and his sweet, southern manners. Whenever she had trouble falling asleep, she remembered how she would look over the side of her bunk just to reassure herself that he'd made it back safely from his last run. And when the nightmares came, she remembered how much he'd wanted to shield her from all harm. Until that day he broke her heart trying to protect it.

_Never thought my heart could be so yearning_

Foolish girl that she'd been, she thought she could outrun the pain. And she never ever thought she would look back. Yet here she sat in the swaying stagecoach, drawing ever closer to her destination and her destiny. Her heart missed her family, but her soul missed the land. The wide, open spaces beckoned her. City life made her feel claustrophobic and sad. She realized long ago that she was as wild as the untamed land she longed see again. She was meant to live off that land, to feel the wind in her hair as she flew across the prairie on the back of a horse.

_Why did I decide to roam?_

Stepping from the stagecoach, she took a deep breath and looked around. Was it dust that made her eyes water, or would she finally admit the truth? Since she what she really wanted to do was break down and sob like a lost child who had finally found her mother, she might as well admit her eyes were filled with tears. So much wasted time! But now that she was back, she had business to attend to. Her first stop was the land office. After deciding to investigate a few parcels of land, she went to the store for a few supplies, and then to the livery to find just the right horse.

_Gotta take this sentimental journey_

Before she could make her way to the parcels of land, she planned to ride out to a certain house. She needed to see the old station before she could do anything else. If she could screw her courage to the sticking place, she would knock on the door and ask to see the old bunkhouse. If it was still standing. It had to be standing. She needed that connection to her past. So she was pleased as she rode up to the old, white house and saw the bunkhouse, both structures well-kept. She knocked on the door to the house, but no one answered. Stepping down from the porch, she saw a sight that nearly sent her into a faint.

_Sentimental journey home_

A beautiful paint mare trotted around the corral. She hadn't seen such a fine horse since Katy. Shaking her head at her fanciful nature, she forced herself on toward the bunkhouse. She couldn't keep from stealing glances at the spirited mare, until she finally found herself on the porch where she had once spent so much time. Her hand raised to knock on the door, just as it opened. Whatever words she thought to say died on her tongue, her ability to speak stolen by a pair of bright blue eyes. Staggering back a step, she swayed and darkness overcame her.

As she opened her eyes, she knew she was lying on his bunk. When his face, frowning with concern, appeared above her, she couldn't stop her hand from reaching out to tuck a wayward curl behind his ear. His chin trembled slightly, and he pulled her into a crushing embrace. Time, distance, and hurt melted away as they held each other tight. With a few whispered exchanges they soon knew what they needed to know. Neither had been able to join their lives to anyone else. They were both looking for something. Someone. Each other. And they were both fools. But they were fools in love. And now they were home.

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_**This challenge really got my brain working overtime. There are so many great standards out there, and I can't wait to do another one. Thank you to the Ladies on the Plus for helping me choose this song for my first piece. If you aren't familiar with "Sentimental Journey," you should give it a listen sometime. This is a song that ties me to my grandfather and his love of big band and my first child, who chose this song as her personal lullaby.**_


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